the pleasure / pain theory

Woke up this morning feeling mildy in pain, but with an extreme feeling of self-satified smugness.
Firstly, had one of the other 'witches', Judith, over for rehearsal yesterday round ours, where Tom cooked (if a little battered) a very tasty omelette dish.
Discovered our flat is a tad too small for rehearsal space even with just the two of us moving about (Tom lying on the sofa reading out Nanny Ogg's lines), but became extremely smug when I realised that even after a day's work and having walked about 15 mins or so home from the station as buses yesterday were sheet so feeling shattered, I was completely off book with no problem.
Of course I was prompted once or twice by Tom and the last scene needs a lot of work as I haven't really looked at it yet. However, I managed to impress both of them with my knowledge of the script...having learnt practically everything in a week...yes...in a week I've learnt almost the full script (wow even I'm surprised by that). So I'm hoping to turn some heads and cause some impressions on Sunday at rehearsals. I'm also looking forward to the wig I'm having arranged as that should help me step into character even more.

Now secondly, the pain bit I mentioned at the beginning...I think I may have a mild case of Bruxism (grinding teeth and clamping jaws during sleep, causing facial discomfort and lack of sleep). Either that or I've let stress get the better of me. A part of me is kind of hoping it's Bruxism, because that can at least be dealt with...if it's stress, well, I find it tough to relax when I think I'm fine.
However, it's been getting stronger over time as last night (or early this morning) I drifted into a waking sleep when I came to a level of consciouness to find Tom prising my jaw apart with both hands and then sticking his finger between my teeth for a few seconds to prevent me from clamping them shut again. In my state, I ended up biting down softly on his finger, realising what had happened, sighing and relaxing my entire body to let him know I was ok, and promptly returning to sleep. However, since this has happened it's now dawned on me that I seem to be constantly with a tight jaw and when I wake up in the morning, I feel myself forcing my jaw to relax.

I may take two course of actions here...either call the dentist (or wait til the next appointment) and ask about a mouth guard or buy one online. However, I think I'd rather see my dentist about this first see what she says.
I should however, relax over the next week or so:
It's both Tom and I's 2 year anniversary tomorrow (yay!) so we'll be going either to Richmond for a stroll and lunch or going into central London and visiting a museum, depending on the weather. After that we've got a friend's birthday in the evening, so that should be fun. Then Sunday a rehearsal which I'm looking forward to (any thing which helps me practice is appreciated!)
Next week work work work, but then week after that show week which I've got booked off for holiday so I can relax then.
When we get back from that a week of work work work, then after that LARP! Woot!
I'm really going to enjoy the next few weeks!

Work and Wyrd Sisters ramblings

I have just spent the most mind numbing hour on the phone taking down 257 messages from the answering machine. About a month ago, the company answering service went down and no one picked up on it until recently (technically I should I noticed, but I didn’t due to work load). So of course, people calling up for tickets, retail and general enquiries slowly started to load up. And when the phone was answered, we’d get some ratty comments.
I’ve had to stop for a break as my head was on the brink of a melt down. There’s only so many times you can hear ‘message left…at…9.34…a..m…on the 13th…April…2..00 and…7’ *apply date and time required* in one sitting.

On other news, although I’ve been working under one boss this past year or so, the company’s main Managing Director has returned for 4 months and there’s something strangely comforting about having the boss who you’re desperate to make a good impression on, smiles at you in a meeting and makes full eye contact with you, when she’s been trying to watch you out the corner of her eye so will instantly look away when you glance at her.
Of course I made a couple of mistakes when she first arrived back to work from maternity leave, but that was only out of an overload of nerves. I’ve done a couple of hundred things now to make up for that so I think I’m making headway.

And moving on:…lines are coming along nicely. Of course I’m not 100% confident YET as I’ve only had about a week or so with them, but I haven’t put the book down. I had been reading Terry P.’s A Hat Full of Sky and had been a few pages away from the finish when I put it down to start work on the script. The script has now become my travelling, lunch time and bed time read and Tom has done wonders going through them with me. I’m aiming off book this Sunday. The sooner I stop relying on the script, the sooner I’ll gain confidence for the show and be able to concentrate on characterisation. At the rate I’m going, hopefully that should be a safe goal. Please note, this isn’t ass kissing, this is nerves of ‘oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit just a little way before the show itself!!’

(there’s something strangely comical in looking at the spell check for the above sentence ‘Of course I’m not 100%...’ and having it read back ‘Of course I is not…’
Goes to show you can’t depend entirely on spell check as it can go Koboldy on you *larp reference*)

On top of that, due to show nerves steadily building (I think mainly because I’d like to rehearse more, but won’t have as many full cast rehearsals with everyone as I’d like), my appetite is going up which is a massive pain in the arse, mainly because I’m at work 8 hours everyday, I don’t get to snack as much as I’d like to. Usually I have some bread and butter or pull something out of the fridge whenever I like. At work I can’t. So the larper in me comes out and tries to keep me going until I have the lunch Tom makes everyday, then I buy a sandwich from the guy who comes round everyday. But it’s a bastard waiting until then. For those of you who don’t know the larp reference, when you’re at a large event with more than one faction, the most likely thing to happen when you’ve finally settled down for a burger after waiting for about 5 hours since breakfast is someone will scream, ‘Void gate!!’ and unless you want to miss out on the fun to have your food, you need to chew what you’ve eaten then go into battle. Usually there’s at least one person who says ‘you guys go, I’ll look after these’. You can never really allow yourself to get hungry at an event, or at least eat the second you get a chance. That’s why it’s a big bonus to carry around bars of snacks or packets of fruit etc.

However, more great news is that my new boss has given me the show week off. I hadn’t taken it off before as I figured I’d be ok working and having a couple of late nights with just a few lines. Now things have changed and after my nerves on Sunday, I realised if I’m going to be this tired after a rehearsal on Sunday, going to work, then doing tech and the show after is going to kill me.
This is yet another element which has started growing the seed of excitement towards the show inside me. I’m looking at the show as a bit of a holiday. I’m going to be away from work, sleeping in late, I’ll have time to actually do things until the evening when rehearsals/show begins so it’s great!
.
Anyway, I shall cease my scritchings as I think this is long enough and if I continue, scary things may ensue.

On wards and out.

Careful what you wish for...they can come true

I think Friday I received possibly the best news I have in a very long time, something which actually made me jump up and down and squeal happily (bear in mind we were in a station and I’m a ‘who’s watching worrier’
I finish work, actually feeling relaxed due to being on top of everything. Of course, I still had things to do, but I couldn’t do them until Monday, so I was chirpy enough as it was.
I get to the station and see Tom leaning on a pillar waiting for me as usual. He tells me he has some news for me and as he puts my book away in his bag as it’s too big to put in my own and he knows I like having my hands free to hold onto the train and bus, I notice he’s smiling very smugly but trying desperately not to show it. For a flash of a moment, the briefest second, I knew what it was. However, I pushed it from my mind and waited til he’d finished as I’m usually wrong with those kind of things. This time however, I wasn’t.
He then turned to me and told me that the girl who’d previous being the lead female role had to drop out due to personal reasons and the director informed him that:
I am to play Magrat in Wyrd Sisters.
I had a ‘moments pause before I could move, yet they feel like years’ moment as I digested this, I checked he was being serious, then, feeling extremely light headed and thinking ‘I’m going to wake up at work and find I’ve gone insane aren’t I?’ I hugged him whilst jumping up and down and squealing. Naturally, after talking to Tom, I felt sympathy for the girl who had to drop out as I knew she’d been keen on the part, but that didn’t prevent me from being over the moon. From the moment I heard Purple was doing this play, I LONGED, with every fibre in my being to get that part. I waited for months until the auditions and read and re-read the script to familiarise myself with it, to accustom myself to the character. I remember, the first time I read the book I thought ‘if Purple ever does this show, I would love to play Magrat.’
When the girl they picked for the part walked into the room, my heart sank. She looked perfect for the part and I knew I’d lost it.
Although I’ve had fun at the rehearsals seeing the part I was so keen on being played by someone else was a little disheartening, but hell that’s theatre so I just swallowed feeling bummed out and tried to enjoy the show. She was a good actress, she did the part well, at least the play would have a good crew. And I enjoyed hanging out with mates and just watching my Larp friends have a great time in their parts.
To be told, when you’d settled into the part quite contentedly and you were ready to play the part allocated, that the part you were desperate for has suddenly come into availability again and you’re picked to play it…well, I grabbed the opportunity by the horns. I don’t think I’ve stopped tingling yet.
I have less than 2-3 weeks to learn the words…and this role isn’t a quiet one…and I’ve read on Tom’s blog it’s selling out.
Let’s just say, on Saturday, when we were doing a role-play event which Tom had written out, I did not put that script down. I read it and re-read it and wrote down the hard paragraphs to learn them properly and read it again, got the others to test me during breaks, until they turned round to me and forced me to put the book down for the sake of my sanity (‘you’re going to go crazy otherwise and it may effect the way you learn the words’). They could see I was getting tense and knew if I kept reading I would unsettle myself.

On Sunday, I was offered SO much support by the cast and crew. Everyone was lovely, offering me luck and telling me they were right behind me. Judith and Mandy who play the other witches told me if I ever needed anything not to hesitate to ask and they’d be there backing me up. End of act one run through and I was told I was doing well. As I’d been at every rehearsal, watching the directions and listening to the words, I was able to slip into the part fairly easily (of course there’s still some tweaking to do, but I had an idea of what I was doing).
One draw back is, I don’t have blond hair, so I’m going to wear a wig. I’ve been asked if I could dye my hair just for that show…..no. Point blank. I don’t like the thought of my hair going so light in reality. Wearing a wig, yes, but I don’t have the right complexion for dyed hair.
Mandy had bought a selection of blond wigs, but I just ended up looking like Marilyn Monroe on steroids having a really bad hair day, so after I noticed Mandy couldn’t keep a straight face when I was talking to her, I took it off.

So I’m about 40% there with the lines, and if I really put my mind to it I can do the accent (though I’ve noticed I can’t stop doing it when I’m imitating others or reading) but I’ve been told I need to be dimmer. I’m too ‘smart’ at the moment, so when performing or reading the script, I going to keep an image of the young woman who plays Bubbles in Ab Fab in my head as a reminder.

Although I’m bricking it, I’m so focused on learning the words, I’m sure I’ll be fine.
If I think of it in any other way, I’ll panic and I won’t be.

But I just want to say a huge thanks to those of you who’ve offered me so much support. I really appreciate the optimism everyone’s thrown my way. It’s helped!!

Anyway…on with the show

Roll on weekend!

I’m starting to realise, I am in desperate need of a holiday. I’ve reached a stage where even though work is fine, the reception area is cleaner than it has been for a long time, I’m on top of my work load and my to do list has reduced from 20 items (half of which were priorities) to 5, not to mention I THINK my 3 bosses are happy with me (my line manager seems to be anyway and if she’s happy, that must mean they are too as she lets me know when the opposite is true), and I haven’t had too many crappy phone calls from annoying people, but I still feel like I’ve got the worry of the world on my shoulders.
I feel doubtful about things and I’ve started dreading going into work though I’ve no reason to. I hadn’t really realised this until my line manager rang up from the London Book Fair earlier this weekend to talk to my colleague, paused when talking to me and asked if I was ok. When I told her, yes I was ok, she said ‘I just ask as you sound a little stressed out’, something I hadn’t realised, until she mentioned it. I then told her the phones had been going none stop all day and she moved on. However, I have noticed that I’ve been more on the ball and nervy since my two extra bosses have arrived. There’s a surprise.
I really need to get away for at least a week (Larp in my view doesn’t count as a holiday as most the time you’re worrying for your life lol. Of course it’s lots of fun but it’s not a holiday). A proper holiday on a plane, somewhere hot and sunny where I can sit by a pool or a beach. A holiday where I’m forced not to think.
I need to do some research into this…As soon as I have something sorted, I can start relaxing knowing I have a getaway.

On another topic, I’ve entered stage two of my magazine. Finally pulled my finger out and contacted dad about pulling together a design for the front cover. I’ve got all the contributions, I’ve got the ideas, I know what I’m going to do when I have the design etc, but I just needed a front cover. So hopefully when we’ve pulled a few ideas together, I can go to a printer and get the prototype done. Then the distribution and interest gaining can begin.

I’ve just realised why I’m feeling just that little bit crabby today though I (thought) have no reason to:

Last night barely got a wink of sleep due to nose being completely blocked up. I went to sleep knowing I couldn’t breathe (had foolishly left my nasal spray *and life saver these days* at work). I’ve had a bit of a cold for a while these days and I’m starting to wonder if it’s actually very mild hay fever kicking in as we’re surrounded by trees and it’s not the usual congested head, my face it about to explode feeling.
Anyway so last night, although I slept, it was rather fitful as I wasn’t getting a good air supply, and was constantly aware of this. I’m now feeling drowsy and a bit meh.
However, having realised this, I’m now able to pull my act together and feel a little better.
I hate feeling crap without a reason.
I’m also happy because I saved myself about an hours worth of trouble today by completing something yesterday. If I hadn’t coded up some forms which I use today, then I would have wasted so much time. I can now use that time to do something my line manager asked me to do, without panicking. Marvellous!

On yet another topic: I’d like to state a hearty congratulations to Tom’s sister, Becky on her engagement to boyfriend James! Look forward to seeing you for a personal congrats!