Another angel gone up to Heaven

I write this now whilst the feeling is fresh...

a few moments ago I was told that my nan passed away, my father's mother. This came as an extreme shock to the system as despite her being a mature woman in her 80's, as a grandmother, the child in me expected her to live forever. The adult in me knew she wouldn't, but I had a belief she would be around for a little bit longer, and after that, a little while more.
My biggest regret with this is that we won't be able to attend the funeral. I don't feel like I've said a proper good bye to her, so I think I've now got to do that by mental prayer to the diety she prayed to (she was a very religious woman...which leads me to my next point).

Every time we spoke on the phone, she told me she was praying for me, wishing me the best in life and asking her deity that everything turn out well for me. Because of this, I felt she was always there, looking over my shoulder, helping me along the way, through the hard parts of my life. I've always felt that with both my grandmothers, the two grandparents I felt I knew the most. My mother's mother passed away some years ago when I was still a child and to this day, I think of her, even if it's just a passing thought.

I'm not a largely religious person myself. I don't believe in any fixed religion, but I believe there's a force out there, which watches over us and juggles the spirits around the world. However, with both my grandmother's gone, I now feel I've gained two people to watch over me and the rest of the family, in a way which is stronger than when they were alive.

My abuela was truly a wonderful person and I sincerely hope she's happy where she is now. She told us not to cry for her when she died, so I shall do my best not to. But her memory will live strong in me for time to come.

And if there's one thing I'll really miss about her is her telling me, every so often, to take a tray filled with bowls of food (olives, bread, little snacks here and there) and take my time eating it to stay strong and healthy.

Bless you Alejandrina.

The art of writing..a has it?

BEFORE I receive comments on the state of my appalling grammar, freeze!
The title is used to mimic a new...'language'? used to caption pictures referred to as Lolcats (look them up on google), where pictures of cats have captions with grammar such as the above to make a little joke out of them.

That's not just me with the bad grammar (ok....that bit might have been).

On with the entry!

This thought came to me when I read a friend’s blog and from having said something so stupid yesterday, Tom pointed out that, as I’m a writer, I should be a little more eloquent in things I say. He had a point. And I also made me think…I haven’t written anything creative in so damned long, my fingers itch. And they have been for a while now.

I've had an idea for a story buzzing in my head for approximately...what...five or so years now. If this idea was a vine, it would have looked a mess, with bits and pieces hanging off it and others bits trying desperately to grab on. Lately, though, it’s changed, had a gardener look at it, and tidied it up into something…bigger…and healthier with the leaves of possibility hanging from it.

But where’s the time?
At university I had all the time in the world to grab my computer and type until my fingers were numb. I made the most of this.
Now? Pah! I'm lucky enough if I have enough free time to sit and breathe in a relaxed fashion. That usually happens in the 2 hours before bed. One of the reasons I’m looking forward to this weekend.

The fact is, I'm such a huge critic of my own work, I'm not happy about writing until I feel like the atmosphere is right. Then I start and I just don't stop. I miss those days. Haven’t had one in a while.
I've had cases where I've spent hours and hours working on something, then I look back on it a year or so later when I've dug it out to continue and I think 'wow...that's quite appalling...what was I thinking?'

This thought tends to put me off.

Now recently I’ve forced myself to think…how can you develop something without a couple of failures along the way. That’s how it grows. Through experience.

However, over the last few years...and the beginning months of 2008, I've found myself mulling over ideas, winding bits of story up in my head and piecing them together. I've got three on the go at the moment: all of them as drafts on a computer, and one particular in my mind being pummelled like a piece of dough due to the endless possibilities it offers me.

The one thing I struggle with the most when it comes to writing a story is the middle. One of the best quotes I’ve ever heard is ‘writing a story is like taking a journey: you know where you’re setting out from, you know where you’re landing, but who knows what you’ll encounter in the middle’. Of course that’s not it word for word, but it’s a rough idea and it’s the best thing I’ve ever related to my work. That’s exactly what happens to me. I know how to start, I know how it ends, but….what does my hero/heroine find/do/eat/say/meh on the way.

I decided to use this quote to my advantage. Every time I’ve thought of writing, I’ve reminded myself of this, creating a determination to push the boat along and help me find those ‘encounters’. Hearing that quote makes me want to combat it.

Inspiration:…now here, I’d like to thank my friend Harry. Several years ago, he introduced me to music which goes by the name Infected Mushroom. Sounds disturbing I know but not to worry. The best way to describe it is Psychadelic trance with a plot. Everytime I hear this music I picture scenes in my mind. I’ve walked along the street and listened to a selection of tracks on a loop everyday for a good couple of years and the inspiration it’s brought me has developed my ideas no end. I’ve found myself walking down the street and thinking to myself ‘ok so if that action occurs here, how would I find myself leading up to it?’
That thought then leads me to another plot device which shapes the rest of the story.

Now I can already hear thoughts spilling through minds of those reading this. Yes I make a note of everything that comes into my head…when I can. But the way I see it is, these ideas have been in my head for a good few years now, there’s no way I’m letting them leave now if I don’t write them down soon enough!

However, as these ideas have been progressing, a story with about 5 different possibilities have integrated themselves into my brain. One day, I will take my laptop, I will give myself several hours and I will write. Why didn’t I do all this during my free time you ask? Part of the time I have, but for most of it I was either job hunting or using my free time to do MUCH needed things! One day however, this story will come fully into fruition.

One day

House Hunting

And thus we have entered into that joyous journey known as house hunting.

Having received a letter the other day, it was brought to our notice that we have one less month to look for a new place than we thought we did. Shock Horror!....well, no, I exaggerate as it's come at a perfect time.
We realised we're in the perfect place to actually start looking. The only draw back being everything is now happening at the same time (having to house hunt, attend larp events, the latest purple play and wedding plans...ack! Larp events are required to get away from mass hussle and bustle for at least two or three days)
However, duties have been assigned and put into motion so Tom books wedding venue visits in preparation for April, once my parents return from a month long visit to Argentina and I look into booking house viewings.

We've seen two houses/flat so far. The first one, based in Acton, we walked into and fell in love with instantly. Open plan living room kitchen, huge, two large bedrooms and spacious bathroom. Everything we could have possibly wanted. We would have taken it there and then, had it not been over our budget and required us to move in next month. This left me somewhat blue as I loved the place. However, I was brought back from my melancholia by Tom pointing out the parking wasn't really suitable and we couldn't really afford to pay the rent each month without having to sacrifice our little side luxuries (cinema, dinner, going out etc) and hobbies.

Saw a second place just today, based on a road parallel to my parents'. It looked like an upgraded version of our present flat. We loved it, was just within our budget and looked terrific.
Until we walked back home and realised there were more cons than pros. By the time we got home we realised we couldn't go for it. Especially as thinking about it the flat had been nicely designed to look big whereas it was probably exactly the same size as ours and putting all our extra bits and bobs into it (it came fully furnished) would probably do the same to it as we currently have now.
Plus the kitchen was just as small as ours only better laid out. Had it been unfurnished and open plan it would have probably caught us more.

However, we do have a viewing on Tuesday after work to see a place in Brentford which looks gorgeous. It's near the canal, perfectly settled within our budget and looks stunning. The commute may be a bit of an issue, but that will be debated properly when we see it.
I'm loving how many offers we've had so far for a variety of places. Admittedly, most are available now not May when we need a place, but it's great to know so many places are available when we need them.
We're determined to have an open plan living room/kitchen in our new place as that's where most time is spent when we're back home, so we're being picky for a reason. However, I've noticed those are in abundance at the moment so fingers crossed.
We've still got a full month ahead of searching so worry hasn't struck yet!

Next month is larp week and thoroughly looking forward to that. Purple show is coming along, though wadding my way through my lines. I've learnt the first hardest bit, but there's still big challenges ahead. Works going well as making my way through the work load. And wedding plans have been put quietly to the side for a while until April whilst houses are being investigated and words are being learnt, and waiting for mother to return to view with us.

It's full steam ahead this month, but fortunately for the good not the terribly scary!

Just over a week ago, I started working at my new job (won't write where I'm working as I don't like advertising company names online whilst I'm there).
I'm manuscript administrator (or at least temping under that title), which pretty much involves putting manuscripts through the editorial processes online:
- sending them to the editor
- making sure correction are put in place
- ensuring people are reviewing it
- sending it on etc.

It's a huge jump to what I've dealt with in the past and a terrific learning experience. Everything's done using an online system so my desk isnt swamped with paper.
It's extremely interesting and an excellent job except for one thing.

If this job doesn't immunise me to gore films, nothing will.

To cut a long story short, I deal with medical papers, some of which have extremely graphic images. And my job involves looking at them because I have to ensure the figures are clear, the files aren't too big and the pictures aren't wonky. I really don't mind this as I'm fed up of feeling squimish and I'm thinking this might help pull me out of that state of mind. However, I come across some pretty nasty stuff, especially when dealing with the emergency medical stuff.The first piece I encountered which made my boss (who sits two desks behind me, facing my computer - my back to him) laugh, because i gave a really loud squeak apparently when I encountered it. I was scrolling down the page quite happily when I suddenly caught a glimpse of the image and my stomach hit my throat. I then took a deep breath and continued looking at the paper. Lets just say the image stayed with me for a while after that. I told myself, if I could handle THAT I could handle anything.

Until it came to the eyes.

Now, most of you who know me, know I have a huge issue with eyes. I had a bad experience when I was a kid and since then I never been able to endure seeing graphic images of eyes. Due to the papers I work with I finish my work load fairly quickly (1 batch I deal with the whole lot, but that involves a lot of waiting for replies, the other 2 I only deal with a small section so finish in super quick time).
A quick explanation being, in my previous job I had such a large work load which I usually had to finish by the end of that day or week, I'd have to teach myself to speed through things whilst doing a good job at the same time. So now I've only got this one duty to concentrate on, I'm able to use that speed to perform these tasks. Of course when the article requires it, I take my time and really look over it, but usually I'm looking for something which is very easy to catch onto, so it doesn't take long.
Anyway, as I finish my work load, they get me to help my colleagues who have tons of work to deal with themselves. One of which involves dealing with eyes. Yeah...it's not pretty. I came across one paper which contained actual operation pictures. To say the least, I couldn't bring myself to look at more than one without needing to throw up. It's possible I may be able to immunise myself against gore in that context but that was a little too much too soon.Apart from that the job is great. The people are really lovely and really made the effort to talk to me and get to know me which made it easier to get comfortable. They've also arranged a meal out for lunch with a large group of people as a welcome for me for next week which was lovely. And it seems within the week I've worked there I've already managed to impress my line manager as he took me aside for a meeting and said he was impressed with the speed at which I'd picked things up AND as he'd checked up on the work I'd done, I was doing the job well as well as speedily. Let's just hope it stays that way for a while.

In other news, have come down with a bastard of a cold. It started as a light cough progressing over time, worked itself into full phlegm fest (sorry) which means if I tried to talk for more than 15 minutes, I'd loose all use of my throat to a coughing fit, which was not nice when trying to make pleasant conversation.I then woke up this morning to find my sinuses inflammed and my nose completely blocked. I'm really hoping it doesn't hit me big time as I'm in the early stages of this new job and I'd rather impress them than take time off work, but if it's called for I will take a day just to recover as my job entails attention to detail and looking at a computer screen with eyes streaming doesn't seem like a good idea.Liquids, cough drops and early nights ahoy. Yay.

On top of THAT:...yes there's more...
my final wisdom tooth is finally emerging. And it's not pretty. The other day I very nearly called in sick due to the pain I felt in my cheek and at around 4 in the morning, I woke feeling the entire left side of my face in complete pain.
I've learnt that if I keep my mouth/face still for a long time, and then start moving/talking, the pain is excrutiating. So sleeping for 7 hours or so, means PAIN when I wake up.
I popped by the pharmacy the other day, and bought a tube of...numbing...stuff (to give it it's technical term).
I'd love to have them removed...unfortunately, they're so deep and the roots so big, my dentist has told me it's better to endure the pain of them emerging than go through the pain of operation.

One of these days I will be in strong health again...honest. But fortunately, I'm enjoying my job enough and getting on well enough with the girls I work with to pass the days well, and forget my cold and wisdom tooth ouch.

Annnnd........Relief

*sigh*
The sigh above, is not just a small sigh.
It's a sigh of intense reliefIt's a sigh of having endured months of trudgery and having finally pulled through.

I have a job.

Yes. The other day I went for an interview with a company (who's name I won't disclose, but what I will say is it works with manuscripts put together by senior figures in certain circles). Of course I was terrified. So many times these last couple of months, I've either not quite reached the interview stage, or have been refused a second interview. I've been unemployed for nearly three months now and two months is usually my limit as by then I begin to loose my motivation and get extremely bored not working.
When the confirmation of interview came through, I put a hell of a lot of research not only into the company, but the online system the company uses. When I got to the interview itself, rather than being told what the company does and what my role would be as previous ones have done, I was asked what ideas I had about what the company did.
This is where I rolled off a hell of a lot of information I hadn't realised I'd picked up. The look of surprise when I told them all I knew about the company, computer system and getting pretty much everything spot on provoked such looks of astonishment from both of them, I couldn't help feel smug. As the interview progressed, I began to freak out a little. I kept my cool, but I felt I wasn't answering the questions to my advantage. I then went on to really lay into them that I really really really really wanted this job as it's pretty much exactly what I've been looking for. I left them knowing, not thinking, that I wanted it.
I was surprised to hear that I'd be taking tests as I hadn't been told previous, but then I figured, if I excel in doing the tests that'll prove that I can adjust myself quickly to their working environment.

Then yesterday, I think, I got a call from the recruitment company. Every call I've received so far from companies have been negative so I knew something was different by the tone of her voice. She must have realised her excitement was about as obvious as being beaten in the head with a brick, so she replaced it with a smoother, cooler voice...told me the news...then I think I proceeded to deafen her by squealing like a 14 year old at a McFly concert (I would like to point out now that that's just an example and I'm not a fan of that particular band lol)I then apologised for behaving in such an undignified manner to which she laughed and congratulated me.

ANyway. I beg pardon for laying so much on with the details as I intended this to be much shorter, but as I'm sure you can imagine, I'm extremely happy. It hasn't so much been a light jog for the finish line of job hunting but a crawl through thick mud of uncertainty. I've been hating these past couple of months feeling so disheartened by rejections, that I'd hit below rock bottom (with a pickaxe and a bottle full of GARH!!).It's not been an easy ride, but God it's been worth it. The role in only temporary, a kind of test to see how I do. But I intend to prove to them I'm worth having been taken on by them permanently which is pretty much the point of this job.I would relate my emotion through written word, but I don't think my computer or my blog could take the squeeing and exclamation marks. Let's just say, all my motivation came flooding back and, putting it to good use, I blizted the entire house and it's now nice and shiny.

Well, that's one New Years resolution down...about 5 or so more to go. This is the first New Year's resolution I've actually pulled through with I'd have to say mine for the coming year are:
1 - get a new job
2 - get a new place for Jan
3 - try and maintain a tidy place
4 - write more
5 - draw more

Of course there are a couple of others, but we'll cross those bridges when reached

*sigh*

I'm on a roll this month...

It really is quite remarkable the difference this mouth guard has made. Have been wearing it for...what...a few days and already the difference is massively noticable. I've stopped waking up with my jaws aching, feeling grumpy and lathergic.
I've started drawing and writing again, I've got the energy to do things and I'm feeling in a much better mood of late.
Last night, for some reason my mouth developed a little trick, enabling it to actually remove and spit out the guard whilst I was asleep and completely unaware (like having a petulant child inside me refusing to believe I wouldn't let it grind it's teeth) as I woke up this morning without it and had to give it a good scrub after Tom found it under the bed. Ew.

Also, despite not getting both the interviews I went for, I've learnt from the experiences BUT I've also got another possibility on the pipe line. It's tiny, but it's there.
The recruitment company which got me my first permanent job at Hay House sent me an e-mail with another job, essentially what I'm looking for, asking if I was interested. I wrote back as soon as possible with all the details with a massive yes.
Fingers crossed something will happen with that.

Third time lucky eh? I have to confess I was starting to feel disheartened today at the prospect of going the three weeks of this month without a sign of anything, but it's nice to have a hint of hope pop up with most needed.

Lasting results

As stated in Tom's comment in my previous entry, the mouth guard worked a charm after the first night's use. As it's impossible to grind teeth wearing that piece of plastic, I didn't which means I didn't tense my face all night, which means I woke up in a much better mood, something Tom pointed out to me as soon as he saw me wake with a huge smile on my face.
That and my dreams weren't infested with intensity and nerves.

Another bonus is that if I don't spend 8 or so hours grinding my teeth every night with no stopping, it should reduce the amount of time I spend grinding my teeth during the day, which has a lasting effect on my mood as well as my teeth.
It's surprisingly hard to stay calm and happy when your jaw and face is tense from 'comfort' chewing.

In other words, I think this mouth guard is possible one of the best things I've ever purchased and will save me a lot of angst in the future.